Number 03

60x 144" (3 48x60" panels) mixed media on canvas

Theme

Overcoming adversity and moving forward. Refusing to be defeated: “still standing”. Being informed by the past, staying in the present, looking towards the future.

The Interview

PREFACE: This interview ended up being about mindset as much as, if not more than, the linear details of her life. This woman emanated a quiet confidence and wisdom that immediately won my respect. She was clear in understanding that we can’t change the past or other people, and “the only way to move forward and up is to evaluate yourself.” You have to do the “deep digging to get out of depression and move upward.” She talked about truth. “I’m a firm believer in the truth…some people can’t handle the truth.” Really looking at the truth of a situation can be difficult, but “the truth is stronger than fiction” and sorting out the lies from the truth is essential.

“I’ve gone through so much, I surprise many people that I’m still standing.”

She grew up poor, the poorest kid in her class. She described herself as being a people-pleaser and a naive child who assumed everyone was a good person. She was an introverted kid: she felt ok about herself and comfortable at home, but out in the world, she felt like something was wrong with her.

Later, her mom remarried, and her new step-father sexually abused her. He also abused one of her friends who had come to the house. Home was no longer a safe place. They eventually went to the church and talked to the pastor about it. The pastor told him that he had to stop. And, he did. He never touched her again and there was no more conversation about it. She was required to “pretend that nothing happened and live with the abuser.” It was as if everything was supposed to be fixed and good, she was supposed to be fine and happy…but she wasn’t.

The groundwork had been laid for unhealthy dating relationships. She eventually married a man and after just a few weeks of marriage, he was a completely different person. It was like a switch had flipped, and it was terrifying. Later, it was discovered that he had narcissistic* personality disorder and borderline personality disorder. She was in an abusive relationship with a master manipulator and needed to find a way out. Eventually, she was able to flee and make her way to a Safe House, where she lived for 3 months.

The struggle wasn’t just about the negative circumstances she found herself in, but dealing with the depression and thoughts that come along with these circumstances. She described her low points as a frame of mind more than a feeling. “You’re allowed to experience negativity, but you can’t live in that state”. She talked about learning to live in the present, not to obsess about the future or be too focused on the past. She used the metaphor of driving a car. It’s important to reflect and “look in the rearview, but you have to look forward.” Keep looking forward, and “You’ve taken all the steps, be flexible so you don’t break.”

*“Narcissistic” is becoming a commonly used term. But true narcissism is rare, effecting less than 1% of the population. We use the word here as the clinical term, not a buzzword, slang term, or criticism.

Artist Notes

This painting is made with three panels to reference the past, present, and future because these themes were dominant in our interview. Towards the end of the interview, we talked about color. Her favorite color is purple, which is why I used purple for the central panel referencing the present. The color red had been a favorite in the past but now has more negative associations for her, so I used red for the first panel to represent the harmful experiences of her past. She also appreciates black and white artwork (we both like black and white tattoos- no color needed!), so I chose to use predominantly black and white in the first panel. The third panel contains a sunny yellow and brighter, earthy greens and blues- I wanted to lean into colors of nature as a connection to grounding and having hope and optimism for the future.