Number 02

48x60" mixed media on canvas

Theme

Needing to always be OK in order to take care of others. Being told you are “fine” when, in reality, you aren’t. Reaching out and befriending others who struggle, because you understand what they are going through.

The Interview

Everything seemed to be going wrong in 8th and 9th grade. She went to a small school and simply didn’t have any friends. Her aging grandmother was developing Alzheimer’s and began spending the days at their house because she could no longer be home alone. Younger siblings came into the family via the foster care system, and they brought their own trauma and upheaval with them.

And then, there was church. She knew who the sex offenders were and was able to avoid them. Not everyone was so lucky, and her heart broke for those girls.

At the age of 13, “I wanted to be attractive, but also not, because the creepy old guy at church will notice you.” There was an internal conflict: transitioning from a kid to a teenager and wanting to be seen and noticed, but feeling like it was not safe to be seen because that could result in being sexually exploited. It was best to err on the side of safety and wear baggy shirts instead of dresses, and opt for no-makeup.

Though her faith remains an important aspect of her life to this day, she is clear that there were elements of church culture that were very damaging. As a young teenager, there were times when she just wanted to have fun, and to sing and enjoy music. But, “there was a moral imperative attached to everything.” There was no room to sing or dance for enjoyment, music had to serve the Kingdom of God, be speaking a deep truth, or evangelizing. “I wanted to do something fun, (they) wanted me to do something meaningful. It felt very heavy.”

“As a kid, I wanted to do the right things. I wanted to do what I was supposed to.” She described her 13 year old self as a “mini-adult,” helping out as best as she could, becoming a support person for her family members.

She remembers one day in particular, sitting on the stairs in her house, when she broke down sobbing. “I was overwhelmed, no control, heavy sense of despair, and I didn’t want to get up in the morning. I was completely overwhelmed, I couldn’t take it. I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown.” For the firs time, she admitted to her mom that she was struggling, she felt like she was "going crazy”. Her mom assured her that, no, she was fine. She got the impression that her feelings were wrong. That “any feelings that make other people uncomfortable must be wrong.” “What am I allowed to feel?”

She talked about how children often lack the words to explain how they are feeling. In our current culture, parents are more likely likely to help their kids find the words to express themselves. That was not happening in the 80’s and 90’s like it is today. “If you don’t have a safe space to identify your feelings, that work just isn’t going to be done…it’s easier to just be OK with everything.” She did’t want her feelings to make other people uncomfortable or to come across as attention seeking. She believed the adults in her life. They said she was OK, so she would be OK. “I spent so much energy trying to protect people around me from me,” to shield them from any difficult emotions that might be hard to handle.

Out of a deep awareness of the pain of loneliness and despair, she decided to reach out and make friends with other people who seemed to be struggling too. “Because I was on the outside, I always look for people who are on the edges and make safe spaces for people. It came out of feeling very isolated and lonely. It’s where my caretaking took root.”

Years later, “caretaking” describes her vocation. She has worked a variety of jobs over the years. Each has consistently focused on supporting and looking after others in some capacity. Caretaking is valuable work and she excels at it, but “It’s unfortunate that I’m good at this because of previous trauma.” And, stress causes illness. Emotional strain has led to an adult life marked by chronic fatigue. Exhaustion is something she battles on a daily basis.

She concluded by talking about the difficulty of putting words to feelings and experiences. "I'm just now learning the vocabulary- it takes decades...It's a privilege to do the work of healing. Not everybody has the resources to do that."

Artist Notes

I "scribbled" a variety of colors in the center left of the painting to represent the tangle of emotions she experienced. The circles of colors around that scribbled, multicolored ball represent seeing those same colors (emotions) outside of oneself in other people and reaching out to connect.